Wow, so that took an unnecassarily long time to figure out...
I couldn't get into this account for way too long. School has been crazy, exams long and never-ending, but im content. Just did another law exam this morning, and i feel pretty good about it :D
I'm leaving for Thunder Bay in a weeks time... im super stoked, I dont know what to expect, but I kinda feel like thats a bit of the fun of it!
I'm not excited for halloween, or Christmas or anything like that.. I just want summer to come. I signed up for a volunteer opportunity in another country.. hehe... I wanna see if i get to go!! Well, im going to finish my project for organizational leadership now.

revalation in paradise

Life has given me so much
I have been blessed to know the people I do
I have been blessed with the family I have
And I have been blessed to be me

I may not look like other girls, I may not be thin
I may not look healthy to someone else
But I am just who I want to be
I feel healthy, happy, and unique

I love myself, and who I am
My friends love me for who I am
And my family loves me the way I am

Life as strange as it is, has given me the best of blessings.
Love to give, and love given.
There are bigger things out there than just us, just me.
And I wish to learn and discover as many of those things as possible.

Some of the best things for you, are some of the hardest to do.
I hope I have the strength to do what I need to
In order to grow and live my life in happiness.
God Bless

....

I can't believe I let myself fall apart like I did.
Im pretty sure it was just triggered by drinking...
Maybe that's it, and I just shouldn't drink anymore.
I coulda kept how I was feeling under wraps if i wasn't intoxicated.

Such a silly girl... I knew what was going to happen all along..
It sucks worse to hear it though... uggh
I shoulda just convinced myself that nothing changed,
That I just wanted to stay single..
It might have been lying to myself, but I coulda gotten over it eventually.

It's to late now. I don't know what to think.. I just want to leave here...

It's just hard... pouring out my feelings and getting them smacked back in my face.
Sometimes I wish I could just be a nun, or a-sexual, or something...

Life

Well lately life has been, kinda eventful.. for the most part anyways.
Kristi came into town for a day and a half, I spent all the time I could manage to with her! lol
Which was when i wasn't sleeping or working.
Boy I miss that girl so much, she is literally my second half.
She actually makes me feel good about myself, and gets me motivated.
So, that time was a blast of course.
Besides that, i'm done with school for the summer, which feels so darn good :D
I'm going to go see about another job one day soon here.
Haha, I got asked to join into a couple's relationship...
I guess to spicen things up, make it into a triangle, not a couple...
But I don't think I could do that, I like having someone to myself, so I said no.
I've been thinking lately, which is what I do.. and It's usually not a good thing lol
Like, I know I can sleep with people, it's not that hard, and I like my sex..
And I know being capable of getting people in bed should make me feel good...
But it doesn't ... I like being told i'm pretty by one person...
When it feels like they mean it, not just trying to make me feel good.
So... I think I want a guy... for me.. i still don't like the whole bf/gf labelling thing
but I want someone who justs wants me to be with them, and who just wants to be with me.
That in itself would make me feel good. Knowing someone wants me all to themself..
and to think about it, even if he just wanted me to be his, and still have other girls...
I really wouldn't care.. I know that sounds weird.. But hey, I am weird lol
I just think the whole trust/truth thing should be there still
Not having to hide anything, being open about shit.
I love it when someone doesn't feel like they need to hide shit from me.
Like.. what's the point?
Eh, I think i'm done rambling for the night.

Fucking people
making things all difficult
Confusing me to bits
Why can't anyone be straight up
Sheesh. The truth is useless if no one uses it
So, one amazing thing... The only amazing thing
My girl is coming back to town, Tomorrow!!!
Only for a day, but atleast I get to see her :D
We have soo much to talk about.
I have decided a few things for the summer.
One is to work full time.. let's see if it happens.
haha, another guys are dumb, and kinda conceited.
All about you, I don't think so.
If all I wanted was him then why would I be glad
if he found a possible girlfriend.
Oh my, what a joke.
It's not like I need him or anything.
He's just a friend. like geez. lol
Some people, are so silly.

and life starts to sink in...

I don't know if I'm spreading myself too thin,
Or if I'm just going crazy.
I feel sooo out of it lately.
sooo tired, exhausted physically and mentally.
And i feel a bit unstable..
I don't think this whole working two jobs and going to school is working..
I know a few things right now are working for me, and I love them!
But it might be time to cut back on something I could do without..
Which would most definitely be one of my jobs..
It won't be to bad.. I'll just have more free time.
Which could either end up being a bad or a good thing..
We'll see how it goes. I just don't think I'm ready for this commitment,
I don't want to commit to a life without much sleep..
I love my sleep a lot.. I really do..
In fact, I'm going to go to bed now.

A common enemy

Trust..
The word seems to have no meaning to people anymore...
And from that I have gained huge trust issues.
It seems no one can be real, blunt, and honest anymore.
Even if you ask them to be, Im the master at this.
My world is a blunt honesty to me, thats why im a bit sinical.
But really... why say you will tell someone the things they want to know,
and then turn around and not tell them.
Who cares if you think it will hurt them, if they wanted to know its best to speak up.
So now... yet again... I am dealing with trust issues.
Maybe its cuz I dont know the person well enough,
but they are still there, and I want them to be gone.
I don't like thinking about this shit, I dont like feeling like shit.
Oh well, just another day in my world.

Fading away

As the time moves on everything else fades away.
It feels like everyone closest to me in my family keeps dying...
I know death is part of life, everyone will die
But sometimes it's hard to accept how and when they go.
I have felt so drained lately, all i want to do is sleep.
My mind is frozen to minuscule thoughts..
The time has come though... time to move on..
My life won't stop just because all theirs did..
All I can do is live for them now.

Change

Hmm... sometimes I think I could actually be a girl player...
I mean, I like one boy, then I get what I want...
Then I get bored real fast, and I move on to the next boy..
Even at sometimes I have more than a few boys..
I never thought I was like this before...
well i wasn't ...
I think I just want someone...
to hold me, talk to me.. take me out... things like that..
I dont even want the whole relationship thing with it either..
I just want to feel wanted...
It's pretty pathetic I know..
But that's how I am lately.. a little sad, but true..

Tricky business

Now... I feel like I got myself in a good mix this time!
I'm working with my ex-boyfriend and his sister..
which isn't all that bad, just weird for me at times..
but... just an added bonus..
I've never liked a co-worker before,
I just think that is a boundary that shouldn't be crossed...
and then what happens??
I go and get myself a stupid little crush on a boy i work with.
I thought it wasn't such a horrible thing at first.
Then I just had to find out that he is my supervisors son!!
Oh man, that just sucks :(
He's given me rides home, and we've talked and all that noise..
but... he's soo nice... why, oh why, does he have to be my supervisors son :(

Spring??? Ya Right!!

Dude, it's April...
there is a saying, "april showers bring may flowers"
It says nothing about snow.
Snow is meant for winter, i mean geezz
It was like hot and plus 23 one weekend
and then the next it fucking snows
not kool not kool AT ALL
actually the cold in spring makes me quite sad really.

Golly Gee

Friendship is a funny concept.
People seem to have warped ideas of what that should stand for.
Respect, works both ways fuckers.
Truth, again works both ways.
Like you can't just expect all these things and not return them.
A friendship involves two people. Not just one.
And if one person is not trying to be a real friend, then why expect.
Why should they be considered a friend.
Right now, I am thankful for the people that can sit there through a
difficult time with me, talk it out, and calm me down.
It's a good, comforting feeling. Those I call my friends.
The little bitches who cause the drama, aren't my friends.

Silly Girl

Tonight has been yet another night to prove to myself that I am such a silly girl.
So, I've gotten to like a certain boy from school, I see him everyday im in school since we have a couple of classes with him..
I become oddly... I don't know how to put it.. i'm going to stick with "giddy" over him.
He always makes me smile without fail, not even trying.
He's so curious, open, honest, and frankly funny to me..
Anyways.. So tonight I go to the bar expecting only to see the guy I was going to meet up with.
And he was there... So I said hi, asked him to dance a couple times, and if I ever saw him alone I would talk to him and try and cheer him up... Each time he would go looking for his friends..
Now.. Of course it bothered me a bit, I couldn't have been more obvious with hinting to the fact that I like him..
Naw, I'm pretty sure he is into the girls I could only wish to look like..
And I guess I should've taken the hint and left him alone.
I am soo stupid. Ugg, now I feel like a complete fool.
Anyways... felt like getting that out. and since its 3:30 in the a.m. I think I am going to hit the sheets..
alone haha.. as per usual.
Ahh.. Silly silly girl I am... Silly silly girl...

sad...

I am what you never wanted ... but just had to try out...

Piercings

My Industrial bar is new, it's swirly!
The piercing itself is old though.
There is also my stretched hole on this ear.
6-gage







This is my newest piercing, it is my anti-tragus.
I also have my ear stretched to 6-gage

Cure

Cure for the pain
Pain for the cure
Its a lost cause
The search is over
We're over and done
Filled and drained
Thought of and forgotten
We gain friends
And lose friends
We find answers
And gain Questions
Who are you to say Im not me?
You dont even know me...

This is my cure for the pain
That results in Pain for the cure

lost

is there a way of turning back?
becauuse i don't want to be livin` like this anymore.-

Crystal.Danica && crushed && 19 && wishing nothing happened && dying inside && tired of hiding my pain
-------------------------------------------------- -(+)---------
... and im living my life the opposite of what i wanted it to be. I dont know how it
got this bad. I never really realized that I was blind for all this time... so fucking
confusing. Got to wake up and pay attention. -
--------------(+)----------------------------------------------
the true few .. *
Kristi, Filicia, Krystal
they keep me standing when i'm about to fall down.
walk it out.. *

I will be waiting

I will be waiting for you when you walk away
I will be waiting in the pouring rain
I will be waiting when you don't speak my name
I will be waiting out in the freezing cold
I will be waiting when you forget my presence
I will be waiting when you regret knowing me
I will be waiting when you realise im here
I will be waiting always, very near..
Hidden in the shadows there i will be
Patiently waiting for you to someday just see
The person that I am and the dreams that I have
I'll be there when you realise i'm all you have
So, please don't forget who I am inside

Or that I will be waiting, with nothing to hide.

The mystery

The mystery of the mind unfolds itself,
Feelings never felt before are thrust upon the table.
Unavoidable glances and stale stares follow my every move.
The romance bug, it's a little funny,
One thing I have never learned how to deal with.
But beyond that now, it leads to even more..
Why fiddle about the little things?
Let's just keep this fun and simple.
I like a bit of light-hearted fun from time to time.
So lets bring back those feelings,
That were so unstrategically thrust upon the table,
And keep them at bay a little while longer.
No need to rush, A flame like this doesn't die fast.
Oh what a day, Oh what a night.
The mystery of the mind stays hidden.

Dream

is it sad to admit that what I thought was wasn't
is it really that hard to see the truth behind the words
what once was felt never left.. it lingered in silence
now it scratches at every glimpse of light
waiting to be let out of the darkness of hiding

The feelings of pain were never real
The feelings of loss were just a mask
I never lost what was there

It's sad to know that I still feel this way
I thought things would change
But I guess this is never really that easy

Dream

The dream of another day another world another time
A new beginning the smell of fresh dew
A part of a heart beating to the rythym of the buzzing
Flashing apart of the safety beneath
Twinkling in the daylight of a true reach
To begin a new savior to begin a new song
They must believe in a true harmony
And learn to travel alone

Ohh..

I would climb into the skies to be with you.
If I were a painter, I would make the perfect scenery for me and you.
Oh, I think about you every night.
You make a song in my mind.
So you know, I will be yours.
This tune has been playing all along.
All I need is your heart
beating against mine.
Were your arms are wrapped around me.
Now you know... Now you know...

I strongly dislike titles

I had a boyfriend for a couple years, his name was Zy. His picture is in one of my other blogs. Times with him were good, but not great. We ended and moved on quite well... though I tried to make myself believe I was in love with him, I wasn't. I had a few boyfriends since then, and one specifically sticks out in my mind.
He was sweet, funny, absent-minded, totally clueless, shy, and completely absorbed in his friends. I accepted all aspects of who he was, my mistake was making him feel like I didn't. He is constantly on my mind still, I get all dreamy when I look at him, and I can still picture spending a very long time with him. Fact is.. he wasn't ready to be with someone... I guess it would just be nice to find someone exactly like him but who wants to be with me...
I know it's never gunna happen.. And I know writing this was virtually pointless, but atleast it made me feel a bit better.

Ouch

Sliding the knife along my neck almost makes me feel alive.
Like I am being punished for being a bad person.
I don't deserve to be here... I think I should go.
The razor spills more blood, I feel weak.
I wish I could join my father on the other side.
Even the pills won't take me in.
Nothing wants me to leave.
But I want to go..
Why can't I just leave?