A New Year to Come Again

A New Year is coming... but am I ready? Is anyone ready for another year to come and go like nothing changed? Even when things change constantly it always seems for some reason like time has stood still when you look back through the year you just finished. This year was a very unaccomplished kind of year for me ... I had no job until recently, I struggled to stay living on my own the whole year, then finally gave in and moved in with my brother... probably the only good decision I made this year as well. It is helping me save money, which everyone can enjoy! Especially when the benefit to that could be escaping your country for the first time in your life. I must say working again feels great! Having worked for almost ten years now doing something, anything to earn extra cash, this last year of unemployment killed me on the inside... I felt so idle and useless.

Out with the old... In with the new

I have been feeling very depressed lately. I even spent most of all day yesterday in my bed. Crying, looking at pictures, and sleeping. This is definitely not the way I want to spend my time. So today, after hanging out with my roommate for a little while, and then having a shower to wash away all my gross feelings, I decided to crank up my music and work out. I did a cardio workout and then used the AB circle my mother gave to me. Before all this I finally decided to take some 'Before' pictures. Like people usually do before they enter into a weight loss program. I already took all my measurements. So, I just need to get pumped about this, and continue with it everyday. I deleted my facebook page, so that I don't keep coming back to it all the time, and getting all those yucky feelings. Im not sure how long that will last, it is definitely a temporary solution to a problem... but im hoping while Im off it I can work on myself some more and stop thinking/worrying soo much about other people.
Here's to hoping this ends well :D

The take over

For some time I have gotten used to the idea of having a new family. Mainly because I got a new boyfriend a few months ago and I usually end up spending most of my time with him, his roommates, and his friends. They are all such great guys, I like them all a lot. While it was just me as the only girl I definitely felt a bit lonely at times. Mostly because of the language barrier though. We had been on a the "hunt" to find a girl for his roommate. One night we came across I nice girl I know, and he had met before. He seemed to like her, so I decided to hang out with her and see how she was. She was super nice, and we talked a whole bunch. So I decided to invite her over to their house while the guys were over. She was a bit shy at first with them, but after my boyfriend left to his home country for the month she got used to the two guys who were left at the house. Now it hasn't even been a week and I am already certainly feeling the difference. Funny enough, I thought having another girl around would be a good thing, were I wouldn't feel so alone.. And maybe we could have our insiders between the girls, just like the guys have. I was very wrong... She knows their language, so I'm yet again completely left out of the loop... And since she has gotten so cozy with and is now dating my bf's roommate, I am yet again feeling lonelier than ever, and have started questioning why I even stick around. I mean, my boyfriend is not here for a whole month... And even though his friends are my friends too, they aren't really ... as much as I would like... It's just one of those times where I am re-evaluating my place within the circle of people I am in. And considering finding some other things to keep me pre-occupied until my boyfriend finally comes home to me... I seriously can't wait to see him again. I find myself looking at the pictures I have of him almost everyday.. And I am even more determined now to learn his language than ever, so maybe I will have a chance one day of being involved and understanding things he may think are funny.
How I miss his smile, the way he looks into my eyes and his eyes sparkle, the way he makes me laugh, and how he plays and is goofy... I care about him so very much, and I truly have been blessed to have him in my life.. I can only hope I can do what I can to make something this good last for a long time if not forever. Every moment spent with him will be far from regret in my eyes, and if it ends I will look back and smile because of how great he made me feel while we were together.

House of Saddam

Last night I had the opportunity to watch this TV show. Only made four episodes, so personally I think it should have just been put into a movie. Its basically a documentary based on the years Saddam Hussein was in power in Iraq. It goes through his relationships with family and friends and explores the working of Hussein.
For me this was definitely not something I would have discovered and watched on my own, but I am thankful I did. Seeing the sacrifice some people would make for the chance at power just makes my stomach turn. I guess if there wasn't all different people around this world life could get a little tedious and boring... That is where news comes from right? It reports on all the bad things happening around the world and is the source for people to discover things that are not happening right in front of their own face!
In this movie it shows how Suddam was afraid of deceit. Anyone that could have potentially betrayed his trust was killed, even his own blood. The scary part about that to me is that it didn't seem to bother him at all. It was natural to him to prove his strength and that was one of the ways he knew how to prove just that... He was essentially a rock emotionally, unless it was his daughters he was concerned about.
Another thing about him that bothered me was his lack of commitment to one woman. If he could commit himself to a whole nation of people and the position he was in, why was it so hard to commit to one woman. She was like the voice of reason that he just did not want to tolerate any longer, so he traded her in for a younger model who would whisper encouragement in his ear. Someone to feed his ego and empower his courage.
Many of things about this man churned my stomach throughout the whole movie.
Besides him, the movie itself was enlightening. It made me really consider what was happening over in the middle east all those years... I had never really sat and considered it much before, because it was all happening so far away from me, the desire for me to know more was never there. Seeing is believing, and I do believe that. It may have been a movie, but it definitely made me see things more clearly. Some times, some places can be really dangerous...
I suppose that is one thing that makes me happy I live in Canada.

Writing

With the habit of writing come the habit of repeated absence.
I tend to write and then leave well enough alone.
It is an excellent way to express my thoughts and feelings, but that is not always what I need. I seem to switch between writing, reading, music and movies to release any tension I am feeling. All seem to work. I suppose I may get bored with doing the same thing all the time too easily. Im really not sure though. Lately I've been mostly dedicated to my movies and reading books. Kushiel's Dart was an amazing read, given to me by an amazing old friend :) I enjoy the more adventure and fantasy type worlds. Anything to take me out of the place I am in at any point in time. The creativeness of some individuals leave me in awe! I am constantly being amazed at how some people can come up with the ideas they do. Very strong minds come in many different areas of intelligence. Just because someone doesn't have a degree or diploma, or if they didn't even finish High school does not mean they lack the intelligence to do so. Everyone is meant for different things in life, and I have been figuring that out more in the last year than I ever realized before.