A New Year to Come Again

A New Year is coming... but am I ready? Is anyone ready for another year to come and go like nothing changed? Even when things change constantly it always seems for some reason like time has stood still when you look back through the year you just finished. This year was a very unaccomplished kind of year for me ... I had no job until recently, I struggled to stay living on my own the whole year, then finally gave in and moved in with my brother... probably the only good decision I made this year as well. It is helping me save money, which everyone can enjoy! Especially when the benefit to that could be escaping your country for the first time in your life. I must say working again feels great! Having worked for almost ten years now doing something, anything to earn extra cash, this last year of unemployment killed me on the inside... I felt so idle and useless.

Out with the old... In with the new

I have been feeling very depressed lately. I even spent most of all day yesterday in my bed. Crying, looking at pictures, and sleeping. This is definitely not the way I want to spend my time. So today, after hanging out with my roommate for a little while, and then having a shower to wash away all my gross feelings, I decided to crank up my music and work out. I did a cardio workout and then used the AB circle my mother gave to me. Before all this I finally decided to take some 'Before' pictures. Like people usually do before they enter into a weight loss program. I already took all my measurements. So, I just need to get pumped about this, and continue with it everyday. I deleted my facebook page, so that I don't keep coming back to it all the time, and getting all those yucky feelings. Im not sure how long that will last, it is definitely a temporary solution to a problem... but im hoping while Im off it I can work on myself some more and stop thinking/worrying soo much about other people.
Here's to hoping this ends well :D

The take over

For some time I have gotten used to the idea of having a new family. Mainly because I got a new boyfriend a few months ago and I usually end up spending most of my time with him, his roommates, and his friends. They are all such great guys, I like them all a lot. While it was just me as the only girl I definitely felt a bit lonely at times. Mostly because of the language barrier though. We had been on a the "hunt" to find a girl for his roommate. One night we came across I nice girl I know, and he had met before. He seemed to like her, so I decided to hang out with her and see how she was. She was super nice, and we talked a whole bunch. So I decided to invite her over to their house while the guys were over. She was a bit shy at first with them, but after my boyfriend left to his home country for the month she got used to the two guys who were left at the house. Now it hasn't even been a week and I am already certainly feeling the difference. Funny enough, I thought having another girl around would be a good thing, were I wouldn't feel so alone.. And maybe we could have our insiders between the girls, just like the guys have. I was very wrong... She knows their language, so I'm yet again completely left out of the loop... And since she has gotten so cozy with and is now dating my bf's roommate, I am yet again feeling lonelier than ever, and have started questioning why I even stick around. I mean, my boyfriend is not here for a whole month... And even though his friends are my friends too, they aren't really ... as much as I would like... It's just one of those times where I am re-evaluating my place within the circle of people I am in. And considering finding some other things to keep me pre-occupied until my boyfriend finally comes home to me... I seriously can't wait to see him again. I find myself looking at the pictures I have of him almost everyday.. And I am even more determined now to learn his language than ever, so maybe I will have a chance one day of being involved and understanding things he may think are funny.
How I miss his smile, the way he looks into my eyes and his eyes sparkle, the way he makes me laugh, and how he plays and is goofy... I care about him so very much, and I truly have been blessed to have him in my life.. I can only hope I can do what I can to make something this good last for a long time if not forever. Every moment spent with him will be far from regret in my eyes, and if it ends I will look back and smile because of how great he made me feel while we were together.

House of Saddam

Last night I had the opportunity to watch this TV show. Only made four episodes, so personally I think it should have just been put into a movie. Its basically a documentary based on the years Saddam Hussein was in power in Iraq. It goes through his relationships with family and friends and explores the working of Hussein.
For me this was definitely not something I would have discovered and watched on my own, but I am thankful I did. Seeing the sacrifice some people would make for the chance at power just makes my stomach turn. I guess if there wasn't all different people around this world life could get a little tedious and boring... That is where news comes from right? It reports on all the bad things happening around the world and is the source for people to discover things that are not happening right in front of their own face!
In this movie it shows how Suddam was afraid of deceit. Anyone that could have potentially betrayed his trust was killed, even his own blood. The scary part about that to me is that it didn't seem to bother him at all. It was natural to him to prove his strength and that was one of the ways he knew how to prove just that... He was essentially a rock emotionally, unless it was his daughters he was concerned about.
Another thing about him that bothered me was his lack of commitment to one woman. If he could commit himself to a whole nation of people and the position he was in, why was it so hard to commit to one woman. She was like the voice of reason that he just did not want to tolerate any longer, so he traded her in for a younger model who would whisper encouragement in his ear. Someone to feed his ego and empower his courage.
Many of things about this man churned my stomach throughout the whole movie.
Besides him, the movie itself was enlightening. It made me really consider what was happening over in the middle east all those years... I had never really sat and considered it much before, because it was all happening so far away from me, the desire for me to know more was never there. Seeing is believing, and I do believe that. It may have been a movie, but it definitely made me see things more clearly. Some times, some places can be really dangerous...
I suppose that is one thing that makes me happy I live in Canada.

Writing

With the habit of writing come the habit of repeated absence.
I tend to write and then leave well enough alone.
It is an excellent way to express my thoughts and feelings, but that is not always what I need. I seem to switch between writing, reading, music and movies to release any tension I am feeling. All seem to work. I suppose I may get bored with doing the same thing all the time too easily. Im really not sure though. Lately I've been mostly dedicated to my movies and reading books. Kushiel's Dart was an amazing read, given to me by an amazing old friend :) I enjoy the more adventure and fantasy type worlds. Anything to take me out of the place I am in at any point in time. The creativeness of some individuals leave me in awe! I am constantly being amazed at how some people can come up with the ideas they do. Very strong minds come in many different areas of intelligence. Just because someone doesn't have a degree or diploma, or if they didn't even finish High school does not mean they lack the intelligence to do so. Everyone is meant for different things in life, and I have been figuring that out more in the last year than I ever realized before.

For the Record

Well, Sunday is officially my last day at costco for the summer season, I am considering returning for the winter season... During school though, my focus is on my studies.
My birthday is tomorrow... I keep telling myself im super stoked about it.. But the truth is im not really... I don't know why, but I feel soo silly organizing and paying for my own birthday.. I mean I want to celebrate and do something awesome... But I would totally rather just have friends that are ok with just hanging out, and having our own fun.. Instead of needing a plan.. Just for people to even want to come, this whole thing needs to be organized so people can feel comfortable with a set agenda... I guess im scared of knowing that most of my friends are just around for the fun of it the majority of the time.. That's why I can't just leave it up to fate.. But screw the cake this year, I don't think im going to be buying one of those things.
Enough of that rant.. On a more positive note, My best male friend is coming home soon, and I am soo excited about that!! Im going to pick him up at the airport.. I think im just happy to have him back, i miss him.. I like his company, and talking to him. Enough of that topic also.
Now, for the finale!! School starts on wednesday. Why should I be stoked for that? Well that is quite simple, indeed.... I feel like all summer my brain has been relatively close to mush. I haven't learn much of anything (besides some arabic) and because of that I have this inner most urge to just dive into some books. The smart little quiet girl in me seems to be emerging more and more. I'm excited for some quality library time, and getting another year of school under my belt. Im not soo excited for the people... that novelty wore alot a long time ago. But I am in that stage of my life where i am yearning for some company from my books.
Yay for school starting again!!!
And super yay for my best friend coming back to canada!!!

Another Day In the Life

One thing that I would think is great about being alone so often is the relief of having no conflicts in my life. I got a tad tangled up in new and old friends coming and visiting in town... that I was soo busy and having a blast, I didn't stop to think how it may make other people feel.. I didn't realise I had that much of an impact, and now that they are gone, and visiting time is over I have had the chance to sit down and breath... think about it... and truly agree in silence that seeing too many people is unnecessarily distracting. I love seeing my friends, but I very much dislike too much conflict and gossip.
Today was a fantastic day!! I finally received my dinette set with hutch... hehe, it's soo gorgeous! and not to forget I received my couches also :)
It was back to work for me today after spending a couple days in vancouver and seeing my family. Unce Sheldon came in from Singapore, Uncle Brad, Aunty Audrey, and Daniel came up from New York... I was able to finally see my Aunty Kerry whom I haven't seen in like eight years.. And spend time with my cousin Sam, we went shopping on Robson. Ate lunch at Moxie's and Dinner at Grama and Grampa's. It was just splendid, I was overly excited and releaved to finally have some family time for a change. Not to mention getting to see my mom again hehe.
On the way back I even got to visit my good friend Meryl in Chilliwack. We solidified our plans for my birthday, and now im even more stoked.. since it is only like a week away :D
Anyways, My blogging may be very random if at all, for I have no internet in my new house yet... so Anytime im around the university I shall try to remember. Goodnight to all.

The Color Of Freedom

I watched this movie the other week and It really got me thinking. About how things were in the past and how things are now... And in some ways life has changed drastically, yet in others nothing has seemed to sinch a bit to any progressive state.
This movie "The Color of Freedom" is a true story, told by Nelson Mendela's prison guard. Now if no one knows who this man is I can attempt a brief description of what I understand. He was an activist for freedom in South Africa, he wanted whites and blacks to live in harmony together. He was a strong leader, but he believed in peace and not violence. I admire this man.. This story was just amazing to me. You see the prison guard was of course a white man, and he started to befriend Mendela while he was watching after his section of the jail. He got in trouble for Mendela just to do little things for him.. like give a chocolate to his wife for him... This showed how some peope no matter how tough they seem, they can show compassion too... And he didn't care that other people thought his friendship with Mendela was wrong... because he knew it was right. And really, that is all that matters in the end... It is your decision to make the move... It is your life.. Live it with compassion.

Commitment.

This word strikes fear into many. And not just between people, for other things to. Committing to a job, schoolwork, a promise, a plan, even a blog. It is something that makes me wonder... why is there such a thing when no one can handle it? I mean, is there really someone who can commit themselves to anything and everything they try to??
Why does this frighten people so much?
I know I didn't keep committed to the blog because I have soo many other places to write my thoughts, that they have ended up everywhere... And who knows, maybe no one is reading it..
I brought out my writing book some months back, and converted to my old school ways of handwriting my thoughts on paper. I found it made me feel a lot better, but it just takes so much longer than typing.
There are many things that happen, that one can think about, but it is hard to decide if some of them are worth the brainpower.
Puzzling over others, I find has resulted in a waste of most of my time. I make friends, I lose friends... It's a never ending cycle. But some things I have been puzzling over are commitment, faith, truth, and interest. Like, why is it so hard to answer simple questions? Why are people afraid of the past? Why can't people live up to their word? If you make a plan, you keep it.. If you say you can and would like to hang out, then do it! It's a very simple concept in my head, but for some reason, most hold true to it.
Truth - Why are people afraid to say the truth? or hear it? ... I mean, it's spoken so highly of, and then noone follows through.. how does that even make sense??

Wow, so that took an unnecassarily long time to figure out...
I couldn't get into this account for way too long. School has been crazy, exams long and never-ending, but im content. Just did another law exam this morning, and i feel pretty good about it :D
I'm leaving for Thunder Bay in a weeks time... im super stoked, I dont know what to expect, but I kinda feel like thats a bit of the fun of it!
I'm not excited for halloween, or Christmas or anything like that.. I just want summer to come. I signed up for a volunteer opportunity in another country.. hehe... I wanna see if i get to go!! Well, im going to finish my project for organizational leadership now.

revalation in paradise

Life has given me so much
I have been blessed to know the people I do
I have been blessed with the family I have
And I have been blessed to be me

I may not look like other girls, I may not be thin
I may not look healthy to someone else
But I am just who I want to be
I feel healthy, happy, and unique

I love myself, and who I am
My friends love me for who I am
And my family loves me the way I am

Life as strange as it is, has given me the best of blessings.
Love to give, and love given.
There are bigger things out there than just us, just me.
And I wish to learn and discover as many of those things as possible.

Some of the best things for you, are some of the hardest to do.
I hope I have the strength to do what I need to
In order to grow and live my life in happiness.
God Bless

....

I can't believe I let myself fall apart like I did.
Im pretty sure it was just triggered by drinking...
Maybe that's it, and I just shouldn't drink anymore.
I coulda kept how I was feeling under wraps if i wasn't intoxicated.

Such a silly girl... I knew what was going to happen all along..
It sucks worse to hear it though... uggh
I shoulda just convinced myself that nothing changed,
That I just wanted to stay single..
It might have been lying to myself, but I coulda gotten over it eventually.

It's to late now. I don't know what to think.. I just want to leave here...

It's just hard... pouring out my feelings and getting them smacked back in my face.
Sometimes I wish I could just be a nun, or a-sexual, or something...

Life

Well lately life has been, kinda eventful.. for the most part anyways.
Kristi came into town for a day and a half, I spent all the time I could manage to with her! lol
Which was when i wasn't sleeping or working.
Boy I miss that girl so much, she is literally my second half.
She actually makes me feel good about myself, and gets me motivated.
So, that time was a blast of course.
Besides that, i'm done with school for the summer, which feels so darn good :D
I'm going to go see about another job one day soon here.
Haha, I got asked to join into a couple's relationship...
I guess to spicen things up, make it into a triangle, not a couple...
But I don't think I could do that, I like having someone to myself, so I said no.
I've been thinking lately, which is what I do.. and It's usually not a good thing lol
Like, I know I can sleep with people, it's not that hard, and I like my sex..
And I know being capable of getting people in bed should make me feel good...
But it doesn't ... I like being told i'm pretty by one person...
When it feels like they mean it, not just trying to make me feel good.
So... I think I want a guy... for me.. i still don't like the whole bf/gf labelling thing
but I want someone who justs wants me to be with them, and who just wants to be with me.
That in itself would make me feel good. Knowing someone wants me all to themself..
and to think about it, even if he just wanted me to be his, and still have other girls...
I really wouldn't care.. I know that sounds weird.. But hey, I am weird lol
I just think the whole trust/truth thing should be there still
Not having to hide anything, being open about shit.
I love it when someone doesn't feel like they need to hide shit from me.
Like.. what's the point?
Eh, I think i'm done rambling for the night.

Fucking people
making things all difficult
Confusing me to bits
Why can't anyone be straight up
Sheesh. The truth is useless if no one uses it
So, one amazing thing... The only amazing thing
My girl is coming back to town, Tomorrow!!!
Only for a day, but atleast I get to see her :D
We have soo much to talk about.
I have decided a few things for the summer.
One is to work full time.. let's see if it happens.
haha, another guys are dumb, and kinda conceited.
All about you, I don't think so.
If all I wanted was him then why would I be glad
if he found a possible girlfriend.
Oh my, what a joke.
It's not like I need him or anything.
He's just a friend. like geez. lol
Some people, are so silly.

and life starts to sink in...

I don't know if I'm spreading myself too thin,
Or if I'm just going crazy.
I feel sooo out of it lately.
sooo tired, exhausted physically and mentally.
And i feel a bit unstable..
I don't think this whole working two jobs and going to school is working..
I know a few things right now are working for me, and I love them!
But it might be time to cut back on something I could do without..
Which would most definitely be one of my jobs..
It won't be to bad.. I'll just have more free time.
Which could either end up being a bad or a good thing..
We'll see how it goes. I just don't think I'm ready for this commitment,
I don't want to commit to a life without much sleep..
I love my sleep a lot.. I really do..
In fact, I'm going to go to bed now.

A common enemy

Trust..
The word seems to have no meaning to people anymore...
And from that I have gained huge trust issues.
It seems no one can be real, blunt, and honest anymore.
Even if you ask them to be, Im the master at this.
My world is a blunt honesty to me, thats why im a bit sinical.
But really... why say you will tell someone the things they want to know,
and then turn around and not tell them.
Who cares if you think it will hurt them, if they wanted to know its best to speak up.
So now... yet again... I am dealing with trust issues.
Maybe its cuz I dont know the person well enough,
but they are still there, and I want them to be gone.
I don't like thinking about this shit, I dont like feeling like shit.
Oh well, just another day in my world.

Fading away

As the time moves on everything else fades away.
It feels like everyone closest to me in my family keeps dying...
I know death is part of life, everyone will die
But sometimes it's hard to accept how and when they go.
I have felt so drained lately, all i want to do is sleep.
My mind is frozen to minuscule thoughts..
The time has come though... time to move on..
My life won't stop just because all theirs did..
All I can do is live for them now.

Change

Hmm... sometimes I think I could actually be a girl player...
I mean, I like one boy, then I get what I want...
Then I get bored real fast, and I move on to the next boy..
Even at sometimes I have more than a few boys..
I never thought I was like this before...
well i wasn't ...
I think I just want someone...
to hold me, talk to me.. take me out... things like that..
I dont even want the whole relationship thing with it either..
I just want to feel wanted...
It's pretty pathetic I know..
But that's how I am lately.. a little sad, but true..

Tricky business

Now... I feel like I got myself in a good mix this time!
I'm working with my ex-boyfriend and his sister..
which isn't all that bad, just weird for me at times..
but... just an added bonus..
I've never liked a co-worker before,
I just think that is a boundary that shouldn't be crossed...
and then what happens??
I go and get myself a stupid little crush on a boy i work with.
I thought it wasn't such a horrible thing at first.
Then I just had to find out that he is my supervisors son!!
Oh man, that just sucks :(
He's given me rides home, and we've talked and all that noise..
but... he's soo nice... why, oh why, does he have to be my supervisors son :(

Spring??? Ya Right!!

Dude, it's April...
there is a saying, "april showers bring may flowers"
It says nothing about snow.
Snow is meant for winter, i mean geezz
It was like hot and plus 23 one weekend
and then the next it fucking snows
not kool not kool AT ALL
actually the cold in spring makes me quite sad really.